Saturday, February 1, 2014

You're one of us now, Michael.

"I'm pregnant" she said with a somewhat forced smile as she then admitted to me that she was a little nervous.

"You'll be a great mom!" I screeched excitedly with my unbrushed teeth and scraggly, dirty hair that was thrown up in a bun yesterday, possibly the day before.

And then it hit me. The dichotomy of "Woman". See, newly pregs is a year or so away from graduation and having super awesome amazing career and here she is, soon to be one of us unshaven, nasty competitive, no-bathers whose entire existence revolves around a smaller version of ourself and how that version is better than yours and that we're raising our little us's better than you ever could your little you. We just know better. Not that we're judging.

And I'm encouraging the madness. 

I hate a lot of moms. FYI

So what happens to future her? Before baby future her? I know so many "ladies" that would call those dreams selfish and say with such self-conscience confidence that "she'll see. It's not all about her." 

It's kind of bumming me out a little bit. Not for newly pregs because that's really awesome and I really do believe that she'll be amazing but because I threw her doubts out the window with a flick of my hand, a hand whose fingers just recently picked a booger that wasn't mine, like it was no big deal, like this is what we're meant to do, don't be silly. 

So what happened to future me? Nothing really because I didn't really have anything. I was a retail manager. Easy come, easy go. And not that I didn't want to do anything, but I was kind of drifting, I think I thought I was going to write movies or some nonsense. Lol. And yet, there was still a lot of sacrifice for me. There's so much about having that first kid that will throw you for a loop. You really have no idea how much it will change you and how much you'll doubt everything you do. And how much a perceived "tsk" will send you into a cave of tears and anger and fear. 

And then try going anywhere or thinking. 

And then it really does become not about you but not because you have this little angry dictator yelling at you all day and hitting you in the face with HotWheels and sucking on your boobs far past the point of necessity or social acceptance, but because when you're out alone, all you do is look around the whole time like you forgot your purse because you miss that tiny face. It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

So listen here, Newly Pregs, I AM super stoked for you and you WILL do great but this is what you're in for- the dirty hair and forgetting to brush your teeth and everyone having an opinion and forgetting where you put your phone only to find it in the freezer a couple hours later and hanging out with super cool moms and moms you wish would fall down a well and did I mention that everyone has an opinion? And forget ever getting to go out to a bar with your friends on a whim or meeting up with anyone after 5pm or being able to shut your mouth and not give advice. It's a lot to take in. And people don't really care about your kids, they only really care about their own kids and putting you down because you made a different choice then they did. 

It's all out of insecurity. Always remember that. It will save you a lot of stress. You know best. You always will, even if that means asking for help. Don't let the vultures make you doubt that. 

Also, if you have a boy I can personally guarantee that the toilet seat will always be wet. Always. 

Look at me giving advice. Again. 

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