John Lennon ghost wants me to keep the internet and you don't argue with John Lennon ghost.

Pop Quiz!

What do you get when the most disorganized person in the world tries to take on PTA fundraising responsibilities, run an etsy shop, agrees to attempt to write a comic strip, agrees to attempt to write a book, and tries to write jokes in her kid's lunch box everyday because she saw it on Pinterest?

Me. You get me, the disorganized fool spending the rest of the day slagging off all of everything, watching the kids play outside for hours and sipping on wine.

And now as I type this, feet kicked up in defiance of THE MAN, very much Ferris Bueller to be honest, I'm listening to my kids kill each other in the other room and I'm going to have to go investigate this, aren't I? 

Oh, nevermind, here they come yelling at me.  Apparently there's been an attempted murder by "slapping and a cardboard brick to the eye and even the nose!"

This is why I feel like I'm opting out today. Because I feel like I'm on the verge of drowning and so, going gently into that goodnight, I just stop swimming. 

(I have dreams like this, by the way. Where I'm holding on the outside edge of a hot air balloon, certain death below me and I start questioning if it is just easier to let go.) 

I should disclaim here that I am not suicidal. That's also the second time I've felt the need to write that down in my life so that people know that- yo, murdered.  The other time was when I was 12 and I wrote in my sparkly journal, I wrote "if I ever die, I was murdered because I would never kill myself. I am not suicidal" and then I wrote something about how cute Johnny Depp is. So, similar if not exact to how I feel today. 

Also, when I was 5 I made a deal with the devil or whoever that I was never going to die so, suck it, haters. And murderer.

 

Anyway, back to my story of when I was outside ignoring everyone digital and just watching the boys play, I realized how very little I take time to do this anymore. I'm always answering emails and facebooks and tweets and looking at Pinterest and not just watching the boys play in the dirt which used to be mud but, drought. 

This makes me think that we need to break up, internet.

I feel the worst for my husband in all of this because, first off, the kids don't care. They really don't, Every Other Mommy Blog I've Read this Week. Here's the thing; they know that I love them, that I put the phone or computer down whenever they have question or speak in my direction, I have two sets of ears, the mom ears directed at only them 90% of the day, and the boys are pretty much ignoring me anyway and somehow, despite ALL my screw-ups, they are the most polite, loving, well-adjusted kids I could hope for. So whatever. Raise your kids how you do. 

But back to the husband, "Ward" as we call him. I think he has to hate me by now. Because when I put myself into his shoes, I'm the worst as wife. He does all the dishes, grocery shopping, money making (mostly unless you want to buy my stuff from my etsy shop??????) and in general, I probably look like Peggy Bundy. He would never say that to me but, this is how it looks from outside my skin. 

So, I've made up my mind. I'm going to kill a few birds with the Amy vs America's Housekeeping stone that I have been not throwing for many months. It begins tomorrow. I don't care how busy I get, I'm back on the ball. I will schedule time to do it. And sewing. 

I just don't know how this applies to my interneting. I think I have to take a bre- OH MY GOD IMAGINE JUST CAME ON THE TV JOHN LENNON DOES NOT APPROVE OF OUR BREAKUP, INTERNET. 

Alright, it's settled. 

Scary movies and the real life no-nos I've learned from hating them.

Disclaimer: I do not own, or really even want to own any of the forthcoming images.

I hate scary movies. I really do. My husband loves them. Considering I hog the lap-top for hours searching out new Beatles' pictures and updating my Twitter/facebook stats or what-ever it is I waste time doing, I have rightly lost control of the tv. Right now, the tv is tuned in on Friday the 13th part 75 or something. It's absolutely ridiculous. "That's the point! It's supposed to be ridiculous!" he spits at me while gripping the throw pillow and cheering the screen. Whatevs.

Anyway, I have an over-active imagination and happen to be scared of a lot of insane and impossible situations. The last thing that I need is a movie planting paranioa seeds in my fertile brain. So I've come up with some rules that I live by so as not to die by the likes of Jason.

RULE #1

I do not camp. It will NEVER happen. Not in the woods. Not at the beach. If you would like to go and hang in a dark scary place with bugs and bears and only a flimsy piece of nylon keeping you from certain death including bone saws, then that's your problem. I will be at the Hilton. (Although, see RULE #2)

Friday the 13th.

RULE #2

I do not enjoy staying in hotels. I do not enjoy sleeping in hotel beds. I don't let my bare feet touch the hotel. Anywhere. What if there are dead hookers under the mattress? What if there are dead ghosts in the tub? I don't know what has happened in any hotel room before I got there. Therefore, I try to go into hotel stays as though there is still a crime scene and I'm wearing a HAZMAT suit. Nast.

The Shining. (Although, I do very much enjoy this movie)

RULE #3

I do not investigate strange noises. That goes for loud knocks in the middle of the night. It NEVER ends well. Ever. I do not hang out by myself in the dark while loud noises are rapping. It's just not my thing.

The Strangers

RULE #4

Oh yeah, no cabins. No camps.

Freddy Vs Jason

RULE #5

Now, I love all animals, I do. However, if they are foaming at the mouth, back from the dead, or on a mutha effin plane, I do find reason to pause.

Arachnophobia

RULE #6

Carnivals. I do like carnivals, I admit. They can be fun, they can be like the end of Grease and with singing and dancing and you might even find yourself in a pink car with Travolta flying for some reason. I won a goldfish at a carnival 8 years ago. His name is Nigel. But there is a darker world to the carnival. I think it happens at night. I became aware of this while watching one of my fav movies as a kid. Something Wicked This Way Comes. So here's the deal. Don't ride a merry-go-round backwards, if you have cheated roller coaster death, if you see this:

Killer Clowns From Outerspace

Then just go. There's no need to stay at creepy carnival.

RULE #7

BE WARY OF JAPAN. Now, Japan looks friggin' awesome. It totally does. However, WTF?!

Ju-on

Some scary crap happens in Japan, apparently. I am absolutely terrified. In fact, mental note, also be wary of S. Korea where this came from.

Pon

I know there are more rules that I adhere to involving this crap, but I'm creeped out. So I will leave you all with one more life lesson. If you see this:

 

Then don't answer the phone. Trust me.