Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Pulling Teeth and Oil

I drink a lot of coffee and tea (and red wine) and my teeth have no issue rattling their teeth mouths off on these truths of my vices very loudly and yellowy at your face when you're forced into having an in-person conversation with me. It didn't used to be so bad but then I apparently began channeling my Scottish great-grandma and my tea cravings have become a bit of a problem.

Source: dailyrecord.co.uk

And now my teeth are a problem. It's because of the tea. The tea set my teeth over the edge from an ivory to cabin witch brown. I also apparently have a cavity in one of my wisdom teeth that the dentist won't even touch unless I let him yank it out which nope. I'll go ahead and deal with that on my own by never going to the dentist ever again and then in a couple of years when the pain gets too much, I'll bang it out with an ice skate and a rock like Tom Hanks did in Cast Away. By the way, if anyone is looking for a life coach, shoot me an email. I take PayPal.

Anyway, my sister-in-law just had her wisdom teeth removed a couple of weeks ago and in talking to her, it honestly sounds like my plan of ignoring my dental needs is the right way to do things. As we were talking about her dental bravery and my cowardice, she mentioned some kind of "oil pulling" or whatever it's called that she had seen on Pinterest. Oh Pinterest, you evil temptress. She tried this oil business which is basically swishing coconut oil around in your mouth everyday for some minutes and it's supposed to heal cavities and whiten teeth. "Sign me up!" is of course my immediate reaction. How gross can it be? Also, I only have two kinds of oils in the house of which I'll be using the olive oil because I don't have coconut oil and I'm pretty sure that olive oil won't kill me or make me blind, unlike the really old bottle of make-up remover I found under the bathroom sink.

And hold up just a minute! Can we rewind and talk about Cast Away Tom Hanks again?? Wasn't he only eating coconuts? And wasn't he eating a coconut when his tooth started bugging him??? The tooth he had to beat out of his face with a rock and an ice skate??? So what's the truth? This isn't boding well for the all mighty coconut. Do I believe Oscar Winner Tom Hanks or some hipster science on the Pinterest?

Source: giphy

Well, to be fair I'm always up for a Pinterest duel and more importantly, olive oil never did anyone wrong, did it? I mean, it's delicious on a plate with red wine vinegar and ground pepper to dip my artisan bread in. Would anyone even fault me if that's where I end up in this oil pulling experiment? 'Cause we all know that's where I'll end up. Let's be real.

God, now I'm hungry.

Okay, intermission. I'm going to try this and report back, fully expecting to be typing with the shiniest, whitest teeth you've seen. And hopefully I don't just forget about this whole experiment because I gave up and ate and then spent the rest of the day scrolling tumblr. Wish me luck and white teeth.

source: flickr

Alright, everyone. Return to your seats. The results are in.

I started off with good old store brand extra-virgin olive oil. Shot glassed it up and swished. Now, I can't remember all of what the sis-in-law told me as far as the details are concerned, but I figure she swished everyday for about 2 minutes. I swished for as long as it took me to get my phone and erase a bunch of incriminating evidence to make enough megabyte room for this instagram worthy picture of my olive oil.

source: me

My teeth are pretty much the same color and I'm very disappointed about it. My mouth did feel like it had indulged in a big Italian meal that needed more garlic, though and I don't feel like I have bad
coffee-infused morning breath anymore and my lips feel nice and lubricated. I also brushed with baking soda right after and my mouth feels very clean and delightful, especially my tongue. Maybe I'll keep this up for a bit, or as long as I can remember to do it.

Don't worry, my friends, I am not anywhere close to giving up my deodorant or shampoo yet, though.

So because I for the life of me, don't understand how this works, I went and looked it up. This blog was first on my google search and it seems legit. However, it also says that I'm 18 minutes short in my swishing. How is a person expected to swish for 20 minutes?!????

Source: giphy

Should this experiment further itself, expect an update. In the meantime, I think I'm due for a loaf of garlic bread. And red wine.