Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Year's Eve!! And Why I should Strangulelatte Heather.

I have a friend named Heather.

Heather told me that her friend told her that the state that your house is in at the end of the year is the state your life will be in the whole of the New Year or something terrifying like that.


And have you seen my house? Judging by the state of cat hair, strange bathroom mold and all over disaster, I'm in for a year of something.

Also, I can't stop thinking about the forewarning. It's looming at me like doomsday.
 


By my calculations, I have about 6 hours before the world ends. Or until 2014. Whatever.
 
 
Six or less hours to clean up my house. I'm not going to give into that nonsense. I did dye my hair today though so I look good while I ring in the new year. Priorities, people.
 
This kind of foolery gets me every year though. I'm a sucker for it. Religion, I don't do, but someone tells me to rub my left earlobe on a tree's bark to ensure my husband's success, and I'm out rubbing my head on a tree.
 
I don't even know.
 
I had a Filipino lady once tell me to put coins in all my window sills before the New Year struck for riches. I did that- I'm broke. I did get pregnant that year, though so possibly avoid that if the stork ain't your homeboy.
 
 
That same lady also told me to wear polka dots. I don't remember why. Maybe I should try that this year. Polka dots at midnight. It's not going to happen though and let me tell you why. Pajamas. I own Monkees pajamas and Dodgers pajamas and plaid pajamas and black holey pajamas and none of them are polka dotted. I'd have to bust out REAL PEOPLE CLOTHES. I'm wearing pajamas now, why the crap would I change into real people clothes for midnight??? Unless it was for riches.... We'll see. No rash decisions.
 
Also, there's an eating grapes thing. Probably for more riches or something, I'm not sure.
 
 
 
Maybe I'll try all of these things and buy myself a yacht!
 
Happy New Year my beautiful people!!!!!! Blogging more is my resolution so reading more of me should seem like a logical one for you. I mean, right?
 
Salut!
 
 


Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Cult of Elementary

I don't want to write a "mom post" but I have to get this off my chest.

I have a kid who has worn a costume of some sort everyday for at least a year. Really.

And he changes costumes about 5 times a day. Just like Cher.



So I have a kid who constantly expresses himself as a new character, with new strengths and weaknesses and capes and lightsabers- the whole bit all the time. Whenever he needs it. And I love that.

It is like living at Comic Con.



But this week he started kindergarten. They don't let kids wear costumes in kindergarten because it's a distraction and a possible safety issue and I get that. But he's having such a hard time with it. It's so not like him. Not at all. 

He was the leader of the pack in preschool. And now he's barely talking to anyone. They stripped him of his powers. 

So today he wore a vest. He thinks he's pulling off a fast one "because they'll think I'm just in my handsome clothes but really, I'm Han Solo". 

And his confidence was renewed. He had spring in his step this morning and it kind of got me thinking all these hippie thoughts about the American school system and how they're conforming the kids to the majority. Man. 


I came across this questionnaire thing on tumblr asking people who visited the US what surprised them the most. 

 
This. 

The first day of kindergarten, of elementary school, they're all sitting there in rows and chanting out the Pledge of Allegiance, hands over their heart, just like I was in the back of the MPR (Multi-Purpose Room. A fancier word for "the gym") and it hit me how Pink Floyd's The Wall it all felt. Even through my nostalgic tears of how cute it all was. My internal tumblr-flooded mind went back and forth between this 

 
And this 


It's best to just not think about it too much. I ain't a hippie. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Am I Procrastinating or Just Really Organized?

I may be procrastinating. This may be an elaborate Inception like brain thing so that I don't actually have to clean my house.

BUT I just ordered this book!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited.



America's Housekeeping Book.

Don't tell my husband.

It's from 1941 or something and it tells you EVERYTHING you want to know.

I was trolling the web for cleaning tips with kids in the house.

LOL



No, but I'm serious. How the crap did the ladies back in the old days do it? I've got kids under my feet constantly, light saber fights that knock pictures off the wall, somebody is always hungry, they're pulling my pants down, knocking screens out of the windows, Et. Cet. Era.

How do I keep up my "Daily Chores" during all of this?

I guess the ladies of 50s just opened the front door and let the brats go and hoped for the best?


But you can't really do that these days, especially if you live in the city and your kids are under 5. You'd have Child Protective Services knocking at your door in half a day and THAT would cut into your cleaning time.

Plus, I kinda really like my kids and I'd like to see them alive again.

So the boot out the door is a no go.

But anyway, I came across this blog in my search for cleaning with kids bugging you. It's called Hallee The Homemaker and it looks really cute and I'm about to go back and read the whole thing (and waste more time not cleaning). I sense a religious theme, I don't really do the whole religion thing, but I'm interested in the rest of it. I can't wait!

SO! This is the second blog I've come across to talk about this America's Housekeeping book. The other one was here.

Mid Century Pink is the blog name and she's doing the 50's Housewife Experiment that Jen but Never Jenn blogged about here.

So the book! Look at this thing!!!!

I stole I mean borrowed this image from Hallee the Homemaker

Oh my goodness!! ! And check this page out.

I cannot wait! to get this book in my hot little hands. I'm going to gush all about it, I'm sure. Stay tuned!

Ah crap. The Beav woke up from his nap. I gotta wrap this up and get his lunch going. And now Wally won't stop talking to me about Angry Birds Star Wars. Ugh.

And I was going to clean the kitchen today.


Oops.

EDIT: You know what I just noticed?!

Monday: Wash Day
Tuesday: Ironing Day
Wednesday: Sewing Day
Thursday: Market Day
Friday: Cleaning Day
Saturday: Baking Day
Sunday: Day of Rest

Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is sewing day. Check you suckas later.

Monday, June 17, 2013

I'm Sleeping in the Coffin Position.

Does that make me Sgt. Pepper era Paul McCartney....?

 My god I'm famous
Anyway, I procrastinate. And I live in a tiny apartment with 3 other people and a cat and a hamster so you would think I'd be better on my game as far as clutter goes.

Look, it's not that I don't try, because if I didn't try, my house would be a series of steps and forts made out of newspaper and sadness. It's just that the stuff keeps piling up and I'm working on it, dudes but not as fast as I could be. Part of me would rather do Internet searches for fabrics and funny memes while sippin' an afternoon coffee.

So I have this book. It's usually covered in dust.

I've had it for years and years and years and never read through it more than a few pages at a time because every time I read a chapter or two, I'm interrupted by my annoying need to full out destroy one part of my house that takes 4 days and I end up never finishing.

The book is called The Everything Feng Shui Decluttering Book by Katina Z. Jones.



Feng Shui. I don't even know how to pronounce it, what am I doing dabbling in this fine art? 

But I found out my bed is in death position and my couch, where I'm sitting at now is in the Party of 5 ghosts section. 



According to this site I'm supposed to put an altar to the ghosts and bowls of rice with fingernail clippings in it.



That seems like exactly the opposite of what I want to do. But I do like money, so we'll see.  

Also, I'm kind of not thinking I'm in the ghost section because I read on one of the free feng shui apps I downloaded that I'm in the die a horrible death of infectious disease of the lungs or heart section. And if there's an air conditioner over here, go ahead and throw a gourd on the floor. Or something. Nothing about that sounds like wealth. 


And anywayI don't even have an air conditioner over here, only a couch and a Beatles blanket. Okay, maybe some of you have ideas for me. 



I'm sitting in the Wu Gui OMINOUS section. And I don't have a gourd. Do I need a gourd? Do I move the couch? My bedroom is in the Huo Hai section which is said to be real bad for bedrooms. AND I'm in coffin position in that "bad bedroom". 

My water heater is in the Sheng Qi. 

My kids' bedroom is in Wealth section. 

My bathroom is right across from the front door which is bad I guess BUT it's in Fu Wei which is good? 

My kitchen is in the Romance area which means I'm in love with Cinnabons or something. 



Truth. 

My sewing stuff is in the Jue Ming area. 

And my couch is on death row. 


I've drawn an exceptional diagram of my house that's probably going to wind up at the Getty because, honestly. So before I become a wildly successful arteest and forget about all of you people, I need guidance from you! 




What do I do?! Do I need to run out and buy a gourd? 

I should tell you that life is really fabulous for me but I want to make sure that it's fabulous for my husband and children too. I'm very nice that way. 

Also, I just really like rearranging furniture. 



Friday, June 14, 2013

My Love Affair.


With the Internet.

But more specifically, social media.  I think it started a million years ago with Prodigy. Oh, you remember Prodigy, or *p as the kids called it. Or was it p*? I don't think I've ever been hip.

Prodigy.

The online service provider,


I almost just remembered my login id!!!
I think my password was just my last name or something.
I've pretty much always been bad at the internet. 


not the guy with two mohawks.

I'm a fire stahtah

Oh my god, Prodigy how I loved you. I don't care about your problems. I love you just the same. You can read my mail anytime you want. 

So yes. I was OBSESSED with Prodigy bulletin boards, most specifically, the kith bulletin boards. And kith stands for Kids in the Hall for any of you clueless nerds. 


By the way, I tried to look up Kids in the Hall google images and I got lost for about 15 minutes so if this blog does manage to get finished, I need about 100 congrats messages for my will power and command of getting a job done, m'kay.

What was I talking about even? Kids in the Hall! Oh, no, bulletin boards!!! The kith bulletin boards on Prodigy.

See? I made it back.

Okay, so I would log on, well, dial up--I'm scared to think, but there might be people who don't quite know what that means? Quick lesson if you don't know what the crap I'm going on about in my old age. Your computer would dial an 800 number, like a fax machine kind of. And if the line was busy because before call waiting, lines were busy and after call waiting, turn that crap off or you'd get logged off when the call from your dad's bowling buddy would rudely interrupt your on-lining, so if the line was busy, you'd have to tell your computer to dial another number. You had like 7 to choose from.

Okay, so now you were in.



And off to the Bulletin Boards I'd go.




I could spend an entire post, pages and pages of one, reminiscing about Prodigy, but I've got a point I'm trying to make and I'll never get there if I do. I did find a super good post about Prodigy if you want to read a not ADD post and feelings about it that totally get where I'm trying unsuccessfully to go. Click here.

So in high school, it was all about Prodigy. And then everyone started jumping ship and going to AOL. So I went to AOL because don't leave me!




All my online buddies were there!!!!! And we chatted and we danced. (we didn't dance) And it was magical and wonderful.

I stayed up ALL. NIGHT. LONG. chattin' up people. But this time it became weezer chat rooms.

I don't even know what we chatted about but there was none of this looking stuff up on google crap. You kind of had to know the web address, the whole http:// thing to get any info on the World Wide Web. Eff that noise. So you'd talk to people that called themselves "paperface" who claimed to "bake cookies for the boys" (codeword weezer) and that's how you got your info.  Because you were talking to people who KNEW weezer. Nobody lies on the internet.

I just realized that I was probably being catfished :(

And then I moved from Denver to Los Angeles without a computer and the internet was ripped from my life. And for years I didn't even care about it. It was probably about 6 years before it had me in its hold again.

Because MySpace.



I thought MySpace was the coolest thing EVER. I had my own webpage. Holy crap! I didn't have to search for people, they could search for me. I became like the queen of the internet in my mind. 


And then people stopped coming by my page because facebook. I already had a facebook but I never used it because the only person I knew on there was my sister-in-law in college and I wasn't in college anymore, I was like a 30 year old woman or something so no one wanted anything to do with me on the facebook. And then everybody did, so I adapted because, don't leave me, guys.


Now I tweet. I tumblr(rarely anymore). I pinterest. And I facebook. Holy god, do I facebook. 

The internet for me has gone from fun times and meeting cool people that I think longingly about with a smile on my face to narcissistic nonsense and cattiness and either feeling bad and sorry for myself or wanting to punch a "friend" in the head. This takes up a great deal of my time.

Everyday. 

This is not healthy. I understand this and yet I can't look away. Every like and funny comment drags me back in like a sparkly vampire.

Team facebook!
And I try to justify it because of all the great people I know and want to keep up with and the majority of them aren't even on facebook anymore. They're on Instagram. And I'm losing my facebook community and I'm kind of hanging back on the ship watching it go down.




So now I'm at an impasse. Do I wean myself off social media or do I reactivate my instagram account that I have because I downloaded it a couple years ago thinking it was the hipstagram app?

I've had Instagram before you ever heard of it. 


Pros and cons to Instagram.

Cons- it's more social media and it seems even MORE narcissistic and self gratifying than facebook. I hate looking at pictures of food. And the only thing I really take pictures of are my kids and my family and I already have too many of those on the internet for my level of comfort. And they're all confined to facebook. And also, I waste enough time online. And I should just blog. And most of what I do on facebook is tell dumb stories that I think are funny and too long for twitter. Instagram doesn't sound like my gig.

Pros- Um.... everyone's there.



What do I even do? Actually, I know what I should do. I shouldn't join the dark side. I should blog if I have crap to say. It's my own webpage! (yay dolphin glitter!) AND well, I don't know. I thrive on comments and "likes" and funny. 

VALIDATE ME AND LOVE ME!!!! 



Monday, May 20, 2013

Ghost Farts.

real ghost
I've become OBSESSED with ghost hunting shows. And paranormal shows. And pretty much anything that talks to dead people. Anything that's a real show that shows real things. None of this Paranormal Activity crap. That stuff gives me the spooks.

A psychologist would probably tell you that it has something to do with my dead sister, but when you start talking stuff like that then the pity party rug rolls out and then the finger pointing and hushed whispers and anyway, it's not so that I can talk to my sister like some sad sack from the John Edwards audience.


(Don't tell anyone but sometimes I try to talk to my dead sister. But that doesn't make me crazy.)



Let's start this over.



Where were we? OH! Ghost hunting.

Want to know which one's I watch? ALL OF THEM. I do. If I see that green screen it's Game On, guy.

Ghost Adventures or if you're my husband, "Ghost Bro"

So while we're here, let's talk about Ghost Adventures, which I just noticed was on the Travel Channel and not SyFy like all the others which is why I haven't seen it in a bunch of forevers. Hahah. Oh me. Anyway Ghost Adventures? Fake. Probably. And I keep calling it Ghost Adventurers which is really a better name for the show, am I right? My husband HATES this show and its Ed Hardy clad crew.



I love it. I like how Zak Bagans tough talks ghosts. He's so tough.


By the waaaay!!!!!!  DID YOU KNOW HE HAS A RECORD OUT?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ridiculous.



Click here to iTunes that gold.

Lol. I can't even with this. I think it's got to be a joke being played on me. I think my husband must be behind this. No way this is a thing.


"It's a thing, Bro"

And then the totally fake Haunted Collector. Psh.


This one. First off, how does a ghost grab onto an object and haunt the object? 'Cause if that's true, I'm never borrowing a pen ever again.


And I saw one episode that had a ghost going under the covers and then a lady who's totally hooking up with the main dude, grandpa or whatever his name is, she goes into a hole, digs around for about a second and a half and pulls out this "haunted coin". Lol. Did the ghost tell her where it was?

There's an old German Ghost yelling Jewish slurs up in this coin. 


And then there's the Ghost Hunters show. (Is that what it's called? I should look this up)



Ghost Hunters International, that's what I said. I mostly like that there's a lady named Amy on there and her hair looks blonde in night vision mode but she's really red haired. I like her better in night vision mode.



And TAPS which is the one I believe the most. Well, I think I believe the Ghost Hunters International one too. Wait. I think Amy's on TAPS? I don't.... I'm really bad at this. This is why I don't have a job at TV Guide.

The only reason.

Anyway.


Wait, are they the same show? I don't know. I don't pay attention. It's a ghost show, I don't care.

These TAPS dudes work as plumbers during the day.



Holy craps. I've just figured the whole thing out. Maybe they are fakes and let me tell you why.

Ghost farts.



Let me tell you that I am in LOVE with the Long Island Medium. Also, she blames farts on ghosts. I'm not kidding. Here's the episode if you want to watch.



And now I think TAPS might be blaming ghosts for their stink.

All of them are. If you have a gas issue, become a paranormal investigator. Or a medium. BLAME THE GHOSTS.

"What was that noise? Did you fart?" Nope, ghost.

"What's that smell?!" Ghost.

See?

So when I was watching Anderson Cooper today, I saw these ladies.



The Ghost Hunting Moms.



These are my people!!! Off to read their blog now.
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