I'm Sleeping in the Coffin Position.

Does that make me Sgt. Pepper era Paul McCartney....?

 My god I'm famous

Anyway, I procrastinate. And I live in a tiny apartment with 3 other people and a cat and a hamster so you would think I'd be better on my game as far as clutter goes.

Look, it's not that I don't try, because if I didn't try, my house would be a series of steps and forts made out of newspaper and sadness. It's just that the stuff keeps piling up and I'm working on it, dudes but not as fast as I could be. Part of me would rather do Internet searches for fabrics and funny memes while sippin' an afternoon coffee.

So I have this book. It's usually covered in dust.

I've had it for years and years and years and never read through it more than a few pages at a time because every time I read a chapter or two, I'm interrupted by my annoying need to full out destroy one part of my house that takes 4 days and I end up never finishing.

The book is called The Everything Feng Shui Decluttering Book by Katina Z. Jones.

Feng Shui. I don't even know how to pronounce it, what am I doing dabbling in this fine art? 

But I found out my bed is in death position and my couch, where I'm sitting at now is in the Party of 5 ghosts section. 

According to this site I'm supposed to put an altar to the ghosts and bowls of rice with fingernail clippings in it.

That seems like exactly the opposite of what I want to do. But I do like money, so we'll see.  

Also, I'm kind of not thinking I'm in the ghost section because I read on one of the free feng shui apps I downloaded that I'm in the die a horrible death of infectious disease of the lungs or heart section. And if there's an air conditioner over here, go ahead and throw a gourd on the floor. Or something. Nothing about that sounds like wealth. 

And anywayI don't even have an air conditioner over here, only a couch and a Beatles blanket. Okay, maybe some of you have ideas for me. 

I'm sitting in the Wu Gui OMINOUS section. And I don't have a gourd. Do I need a gourd? Do I move the couch? My bedroom is in the Huo Hai section which is said to be real bad for bedrooms. AND I'm in coffin position in that "bad bedroom". 

My water heater is in the Sheng Qi. 

My kids' bedroom is in Wealth section. 

My bathroom is right across from the front door which is bad I guess BUT it's in Fu Wei which is good? 

My kitchen is in the Romance area which means I'm in love with Cinnabons or something. 

Truth. 

My sewing stuff is in the Jue Ming area. 

And my couch is on death row. 

I've drawn an exceptional diagram of my house that's probably going to wind up at the Getty because, honestly. So before I become a wildly successful arteest and forget about all of you people, I need guidance from you! 

What do I do?! Do I need to run out and buy a gourd? 

I should tell you that life is really fabulous for me but I want to make sure that it's fabulous for my husband and children too. I'm very nice that way. 

Also, I just really like rearranging furniture.