Saturday, January 9, 2010

"What's on your mind?"

-asks facebook, seductively. I cannot resist the temptation handed before me in form of online confession. It's my new vice. I gave up smoking, I took up facebooking.  And I cannot stop the Stat-up.

For those of you who lurk, simply sitting back and watching the typed chaos play out, sidelining it- popping in and out between doing real things outdoors with your life, I envy you. For even if I am outdoors, I'm stat-upping from my iphone. And it's not that I think that everyone, or ANYONE cares if I'm eating lunch or stubbing my toe, I don't commonly "up" those things, it's the other things, the sentences that pop into my brain that seem crazy but amuse me and happen to be in like 140 characters or mostly more. It's these that must come out, must be broadcast to the world (or my 142 peeps).

So here are my self-imposed facebook stat-up rules.

(wait, before I go on, let me just check facebook...ok, I'm back)

Rule #1. -Spell-check
I'm sorry and I know it's not right, but I can't help but judge people when they misspell simple things. However, if intentionally done and done correctly (not like see #2) misspelling can be used for funny. But every time I see someone has used "there" for "their" or "they're", I immediately picture him or her with three teeth and over-alls. So before hitting "enter" I do a visual scan so as not to be confused with one of these folks. Keep in mind, I've HAVE made said mistake several times. <-- I want to fix this typoed sentence, but instead I will laugh at myself because that, my friends is instant karma for my judging ways. Foiled!  

Rule #2- No Text-speak or whatever the crap it is.
Even if you are a "kitteh" belonging to hillbillehz and you lived the top of your game two years ago, you're still a friggin' hazbeen. KNOCK IT OFF! Here's your bleedin' cheeseburger! The same goes for replacing "th" with a "d". Only Snoop D oh double G is allowed that. You're not him.

Rule #3 - Do not go flashing about with your TMI. No one wants to read it. I promise. 
You got your period. AWESOME! You had sex with your man last night, KILLER! but I hate to break it to you, you're grossing people out. I try to limit myself on what I'm sharing based on if it's something I really want my dad reading.  That's my rule of thumb. Also, people will come up to me days after I've written something and bring it up in conversation. Weird. Could be weirder. Think about it.

Rule #4 - POP-CULTURE! 
Everyone loves pop-culture. If it's TOO current though, you run the risk of blending into the crowd of everyone else- if it's too obscure or "old" as it's been explained to me, only like one other person will get it. Not good enough! We're looking for "likes" and comments here, people! Since most people are normal, I try to refrain from the Taxi and Rhoda talk and I shoot more for Spice Girls and Family Matters referencing. Try it. Peeps get all recognitious.

Rule #5 - If it makes me laugh after I've typed it. Hit send. 

Rule #6 - Chill on your Awesomeness. 
Limit bragging and self-promotion to at most, once a month, unless, of course, it's outlandish and people will take it as a joke. Otherwise, HOLY CRAP, SHUT UP! You sound like you think you're better than everyone else. We get it. You rock.

Rule #7 - Don't hate on others. 
It pulls you down to the level of teenage drama and unless you're 15, is that really the face you're trying to put out into the world of 142ish people? Unless of course it's easily recognizable as jokes, in which case, roast away, but try to sound more like Sarah Silverman than Courtney Love, ya, know?

Rule #8. Try not to over-kill. 
This is my "in biggest need of improvement" area. Oops. I like all things Beatles. Sorry. I do try to shut up about it but sometimes I get all fangirl. You know how it goes. And then people stop talking to me. But while I'm at it...

Rule #9 - If you must complain about stuff, joke the crap out of it.
For instance, if your day at work sucked add a little "but I'm getting paid for it. Does that make me a hooker?" That'll get you one or two thumbs up, at least. Throw in references to like Office Space or something. Everybody loves the Office Space. And The Office. See, now you're thinking.

Rule #10 - Just be honest. 
People will love you more for who you are than who you are trying to be. The internet is eventually see-through. MST3K or Mystery Science Theatre 3000 for those of you not geeked up enough to get all intial, was once my favorite thing. For a minute anyway, I have a short attention span. And I was watching a making of or something with the writers and one of them said something I will always repeat to myself, but in paraphrased form 'cause, well, I don't remember it exactly, what do you think, I'm crazy? Anyway, they said something like- while putting in jokes for the show, they would start asking themselves, is anyone gonna get this?! Then they'd stop and say to one another, "it doesn't matter. The right people will get it.".

Unless, of course you happen to be babbling on about how cute you think McCartney was circa Magical Mystery Tour / India... Then people will just shut you out. But I mean... come on!

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