Scary movies and the real life no-nos I've learned from hating them.

Disclaimer: I do not own, or really even want to own any of the forthcoming images.

I hate scary movies. I really do. My husband loves them. Considering I hog the lap-top for hours searching out new Beatles' pictures and updating my Twitter/facebook stats or what-ever it is I waste time doing, I have rightly lost control of the tv. Right now, the tv is tuned in on Friday the 13th part 75 or something. It's absolutely ridiculous. "That's the point! It's supposed to be ridiculous!" he spits at me while gripping the throw pillow and cheering the screen. Whatevs.

Anyway, I have an over-active imagination and happen to be scared of a lot of insane and impossible situations. The last thing that I need is a movie planting paranioa seeds in my fertile brain. So I've come up with some rules that I live by so as not to die by the likes of Jason.

RULE #1

I do not camp. It will NEVER happen. Not in the woods. Not at the beach. If you would like to go and hang in a dark scary place with bugs and bears and only a flimsy piece of nylon keeping you from certain death including bone saws, then that's your problem. I will be at the Hilton. (Although, see RULE #2)

Friday the 13th.

RULE #2

I do not enjoy staying in hotels. I do not enjoy sleeping in hotel beds. I don't let my bare feet touch the hotel. Anywhere. What if there are dead hookers under the mattress? What if there are dead ghosts in the tub? I don't know what has happened in any hotel room before I got there. Therefore, I try to go into hotel stays as though there is still a crime scene and I'm wearing a HAZMAT suit. Nast.

The Shining. (Although, I do very much enjoy this movie)

RULE #3

I do not investigate strange noises. That goes for loud knocks in the middle of the night. It NEVER ends well. Ever. I do not hang out by myself in the dark while loud noises are rapping. It's just not my thing.

The Strangers

RULE #4

Oh yeah, no cabins. No camps.

Freddy Vs Jason

RULE #5

Now, I love all animals, I do. However, if they are foaming at the mouth, back from the dead, or on a mutha effin plane, I do find reason to pause.

Arachnophobia

RULE #6

Carnivals. I do like carnivals, I admit. They can be fun, they can be like the end of Grease and with singing and dancing and you might even find yourself in a pink car with Travolta flying for some reason. I won a goldfish at a carnival 8 years ago. His name is Nigel. But there is a darker world to the carnival. I think it happens at night. I became aware of this while watching one of my fav movies as a kid. Something Wicked This Way Comes. So here's the deal. Don't ride a merry-go-round backwards, if you have cheated roller coaster death, if you see this:

Killer Clowns From Outerspace

Then just go. There's no need to stay at creepy carnival.

RULE #7

BE WARY OF JAPAN. Now, Japan looks friggin' awesome. It totally does. However, WTF?!

Ju-on

Some scary crap happens in Japan, apparently. I am absolutely terrified. In fact, mental note, also be wary of S. Korea where this came from.

Pon

I know there are more rules that I adhere to involving this crap, but I'm creeped out. So I will leave you all with one more life lesson. If you see this:

 

Then don't answer the phone. Trust me.