Yo Joe - Piñata Version. (Second try)

The party.  Part 1: The Piñata.

Okay. Let me first start this post off with my anger that I wrote an ENTIRE post about the piñata with funnies and pictures of Uncle Joey a week ago and when I went to publish it, it disappeared and never came back and I'm still not fully healed. Thank you for the scars, blogger app. 

Okay. Deep breaths. Let's try this again. Here's how I built a piñata from scratch (scratch equals a couple diaper boxes, a box cutter, painter's tape, decorating stuff, swearing, and some sweet drawing skillz). See below. 

This is where I started. I hand drew what was supposed to look like Cobra Commander 

but turned into some Flying Nun looking nonsense 

so shut up 'cause just shut up. I'm not paying $40 a pop for a piñata at Party City. Also, my weird kid wanted an 80's GI Joe party and that crap ain't at any Party City I went to. 

Cutting it out (I think this is where I put the Uncle Joey thing because lol. I DID find my Valentine's cards for this year though)

I'll be pulling all the fine dudes with those, boy. 

And this is the point I want to warn you that if you're cutting this out on your own floor, put something underneath. Someone else's floor? I won't tell anyone. 

So get two exact same bits cut out, front and back of a box if you're smart like me 

 Oh god, don't look at the hobbit toes. I know. I need a pedi. 

Smart yes? Except, put something under what you're cutting, I can't stress that enough. 

So, then you'll get a second box. Lay it out flat on the floor and then laugh when the baby eats it when you're trying to photo document your process. 

You're ruining my shot, dude. This is a hot set. 

So anyway, take your flat box and cut it into some strips that are the width that you'd like your piñata. These are going to be the sides- length doesn't matter so much because you'll just tape the strips together to make them fit around the perimeter. I rolled them so I'd have better movement on them when I fit them around my Flying Nun Commander face. 

Tape 'em to the front (or back) piece using your painter's tape 

Looking good, no? 

Oh yeah, remember to leave a spot for the candy trap door. I saw on the Pinterest that a lot of people do it on the front or back piece. Not me, buddies. I work smarter, not harder. Flap on the side. Right???? I don't know if this is correct, just so you know. This is my first time ever making a piñata and like everything else, I think I'm smarter than the directions. But it worked so fart noises to all that. 

So then I needed a way to hang it. I made it pretty friggin big so I figured it would probably be kind of heavy once candies and treasures went in so I put my brain to work while I busted out some lives on Candy Crush 

The crying heart means back to business, don't pretend like you don't know. But I had it! Wire hangers! Except I threw all of mine away years ago because 

So I borrowed from my neighbors and done deal, dudes.

 

Reinforced and everything. (FYI, that method works!)

So then I put the front bit on like so

That string there was supposed to hold some Cobra Commander snake logo thing. Ignore it. 

Look at it. No, stop what you're doing and admire that bad boy. We'll finish this story up tomorrow, my friends. 

You're one of us now, Michael.

"I'm pregnant" she said with a somewhat forced smile as she then admitted to me that she was a little nervous.

"You'll be a great mom!" I screeched excitedly with my unbrushed teeth and scraggly, dirty hair that was thrown up in a bun yesterday, possibly the day before.

And then it hit me. The dichotomy of "Woman". See, newly pregs is a year or so away from graduation and having super awesome amazing career and here she is, soon to be one of us unshaven, nasty competitive, no-bathers whose entire existence revolves around a smaller version of ourself and how that version is better than yours and that we're raising our little us's better than you ever could your little you. We just know better. Not that we're judging.

And I'm encouraging the madness. 

I hate a lot of moms. FYI

So what happens to future her? Before baby future her? I know so many "ladies" that would call those dreams selfish and say with such self-conscience confidence that "she'll see. It's not all about her." 

It's kind of bumming me out a little bit. Not for newly pregs because that's really awesome and I really do believe that she'll be amazing but because I threw her doubts out the window with a flick of my hand, a hand whose fingers just recently picked a booger that wasn't mine, like it was no big deal, like this is what we're meant to do, don't be silly. 

So what happened to future me? Nothing really because I didn't really have anything. I was a retail manager. Easy come, easy go. And not that I didn't want to do anything, but I was kind of drifting, I think I thought I was going to write movies or some nonsense. Lol. And yet, there was still a lot of sacrifice for me. There's so much about having that first kid that will throw you for a loop. You really have no idea how much it will change you and how much you'll doubt everything you do. And how much a perceived "tsk" will send you into a cave of tears and anger and fear. 

And then try going anywhere or thinking. 

And then it really does become not about you but not because you have this little angry dictator yelling at you all day and hitting you in the face with HotWheels and sucking on your boobs far past the point of necessity or social acceptance, but because when you're out alone, all you do is look around the whole time like you forgot your purse because you miss that tiny face. It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

So listen here, Newly Pregs, I AM super stoked for you and you WILL do great but this is what you're in for- the dirty hair and forgetting to brush your teeth and everyone having an opinion and forgetting where you put your phone only to find it in the freezer a couple hours later and hanging out with super cool moms and moms you wish would fall down a well and did I mention that everyone has an opinion? And forget ever getting to go out to a bar with your friends on a whim or meeting up with anyone after 5pm or being able to shut your mouth and not give advice. It's a lot to take in. And people don't really care about your kids, they only really care about their own kids and putting you down because you made a different choice then they did. 

It's all out of insecurity. Always remember that. It will save you a lot of stress. You know best. You always will, even if that means asking for help. Don't let the vultures make you doubt that. 

Also, if you have a boy I can personally guarantee that the toilet seat will always be wet. Always. 

Look at me giving advice. Again. 

If GI Joe is the Real American Hero and GI Joe "is there" then wherethe heck is he to help me out with this [expletive] party???

'Cause seriously.

So my almost 6 year old has been as Star Wars as a 5 year old can get for almost a year now. 

Star Wars books, Star Wars toys, Star Wars room, Star Wars curtains. Only drinking out of green straws "because only jedis are allowed to use green straws". He won't cut his hair because he wants "Luke Skywalker hair" 

which has now become Crystal Gayle hair

 

So when he told me he wanted a Star Wars birthday party six months ago, done deal, man. That nonsense was already stacked in my amazon.com cart. 

Then a month ago happened. "Mom. Forget the Star Wars party. It must be a GI Joe party"

Fine. 

Except, I don't know crap about GI Joe. And not the Vin Diesel GI Joe but the cartoon from the 80s

I know we have the same birthday, but sorry dude. 

I don't know crap about this cop drama. When I was watching JEM, the boys of the land were watching this nonsense. And now I'm expected to incorporate these cartoon porn 'stashes in a 6 year old's birthday party with grace and Pinterest like skilllllzzzzzz. 

All I've found on the Pinterest are Army Parties. Okay, I can do this. Here's what I've got so far. I appreciate any and all ideas. And awards and accolades. 

For the invites, I got the idea from a wedding invite to do a Western Union telegram and the "I think I'm as good as Pinterest" lightbulb went off above me and I thought "Dog tags! Personalized dog tags and I'll add them to the invites!" Hahaha.

 So I ordered blank dog tags and metal stampers and steel plates to do the stamping because how hard could stamping names on dog tags be?! I'm sure not very. I have very unrealistic goals. 

So once all my materials arrived, I got to hammering and instagramming like any good mom would do.

Then the beer came out.

 

Tada!!! I'm so proud of how they turned out!!! 

Invites are done and before I even handed them out to the entire kindergarten, an invite came from another boy in the class for the same friggin' day. And that party has a video game truck so I have to step up my god dang game.

Party planning, like next level party planning. So, a piñata? It being an old school GI Joe theme, Party City is of little help but Pinterest makes me feel like making a piñata is totes easy. That will be its own blog entry, because swearing. So I'm planning on making a piñata with this Cobra Kai Commando symbol 

That's as cool as a video game truck, don't fool yourselves. 

Craps.

Also since Video Game Truck upstager party is later in the afternoon than mine and also serving pizza, I have to put a lot more thought into food than I was planning. 

Stay tuned. This could turn out like a GI No party. 

If you have ideas, I would love to be clued in. 

Maybe this dj clown guy is available? 

 

UPDATE: The mom of the other party is so super sweet and cool about the whole thing, I can't even be mad about any of it.

GI Joe Pinata Part 1
 

New Year's Eve!! And Why I should Strangulelatte Heather.

I have a friend named Heather.

Heather told me that her friend told her that the state that your house is in at the end of the year is the state your life will be in the whole of the New Year or something terrifying like that.

And have you seen my house? Judging by the state of cat hair, strange bathroom mold and all over disaster, I'm in for a year of something.

Also, I can't stop thinking about the forewarning. It's looming at me like doomsday.

 

By my calculations, I have about 6 hours before the world ends. Or until 2014. Whatever.

 

 

Six or less hours to clean up my house. I'm not going to give into that nonsense. I did dye my hair today though so I look good while I ring in the new year. Priorities, people.

 

This kind of foolery gets me every year though. I'm a sucker for it. Religion, I don't do, but someone tells me to rub my left earlobe on a tree's bark to ensure my husband's success, and I'm out rubbing my head on a tree.

 

I don't even know.

 

I had a Filipino lady once tell me to put coins in all my window sills before the New Year struck for riches. I did that- I'm broke. I did get pregnant that year, though so possibly avoid that if the stork ain't your homeboy.

 

 

That same lady also told me to wear polka dots. I don't remember why. Maybe I should try that this year. Polka dots at midnight. It's not going to happen though and let me tell you why. Pajamas. I own Monkees pajamas and Dodgers pajamas and plaid pajamas and black holey pajamas and none of them are polka dotted. I'd have to bust out REAL PEOPLE CLOTHES. I'm wearing pajamas now, why the crap would I change into real people clothes for midnight??? Unless it was for riches.... We'll see. No rash decisions.

 

Also, there's an eating grapes thing. Probably for more riches or something, I'm not sure.

 

 

 

Maybe I'll try all of these things and buy myself a yacht!

 

Happy New Year my beautiful people!!!!!! Blogging more is my resolution so reading more of me should seem like a logical one for you. I mean, right?

 

Salut!

 

 



The Cult of Elementary

I don't want to write a "mom post" but I have to get this off my chest.

I have a kid who has worn a costume of some sort everyday for at least a year. Really.

And he changes costumes about 5 times a day. Just like Cher.



So I have a kid who constantly expresses himself as a new character, with new strengths and weaknesses and capes and lightsabers- the whole bit all the time. Whenever he needs it. And I love that.

It is like living at Comic Con.

But this week he started kindergarten. They don't let kids wear costumes in kindergarten because it's a distraction and a possible safety issue and I get that. But he's having such a hard time with it. It's so not like him. Not at all. 

He was the leader of the pack in preschool. And now he's barely talking to anyone. They stripped him of his powers. 

So today he wore a vest. He thinks he's pulling off a fast one "because they'll think I'm just in my handsome clothes but really, I'm Han Solo". 

And his confidence was renewed. He had spring in his step this morning and it kind of got me thinking all these hippie thoughts about the American school system and how they're conforming the kids to the majority. Man. 

I came across this questionnaire thing on tumblr asking people who visited the US what surprised them the most. 

 

This. 

The first day of kindergarten, of elementary school, they're all sitting there in rows and chanting out the Pledge of Allegiance, hands over their heart, just like I was in the back of the MPR (Multi-Purpose Room. A fancier word for "the gym") and it hit me how Pink Floyd's The Wall it all felt. Even through my nostalgic tears of how cute it all was. My internal tumblr-flooded mind went back and forth between this 

 

And this 

It's best to just not think about it too much. I ain't a hippie. 

Am I Procrastinating or Just Really Organized?

I may be procrastinating. This may be an elaborate Inception like brain thing so that I don't actually have to clean my house.

BUT I just ordered this book!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited.

America's Housekeeping Book.

Don't tell my husband.

It's from 1941 or something and it tells you EVERYTHING you want to know.

I was trolling the web for cleaning tips with kids in the house.

LOL

No, but I'm serious. How the crap did the ladies back in the old days do it? I've got kids under my feet constantly, light saber fights that knock pictures off the wall, somebody is always hungry, they're pulling my pants down, knocking screens out of the windows, Et. Cet. Era.

How do I keep up my "Daily Chores" during all of this?

I guess the ladies of 50s just opened the front door and let the brats go and hoped for the best?

But you can't really do that these days, especially if you live in the city and your kids are under 5. You'd have Child Protective Services knocking at your door in half a day and THAT would cut into your cleaning time.

Plus, I kinda really like my kids and I'd like to see them alive again.

So the boot out the door is a no go.

But anyway, I came across this blog in my search for cleaning with kids bugging you. It's called Hallee The Homemaker and it looks really cute and I'm about to go back and read the whole thing (and waste more time not cleaning). I sense a religious theme, I don't really do the whole religion thing, but I'm interested in the rest of it. I can't wait!

SO! This is the second blog I've come across to talk about this America's Housekeeping book. The other one was here.

Mid Century Pink is the blog name and she's doing the 50's Housewife Experiment that Jen but Never Jenn blogged about here.

So the book! Look at this thing!!!!

I stole I mean borrowed this image from Hallee the Homemaker

Oh my goodness!! ! And check this page out.

I cannot wait! to get this book in my hot little hands. I'm going to gush all about it, I'm sure. Stay tuned!

Ah crap. The Beav woke up from his nap. I gotta wrap this up and get his lunch going. And now Wally won't stop talking to me about Angry Birds Star Wars. Ugh.

And I was going to clean the kitchen today.

Oops.

EDIT: You know what I just noticed?!

Monday: Wash Day
Tuesday: Ironing Day
Wednesday: Sewing Day
Thursday: Market Day
Friday: Cleaning Day
Saturday: Baking Day
Sunday: Day of Rest

Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is sewing day. Check you suckas later.