"What's on your mind?"

-asks facebook, seductively. I cannot resist the temptation handed before me in form of online confession. It's my new vice. I gave up smoking, I took up facebooking.  And I cannot stop the Stat-up.

For those of you who lurk, simply sitting back and watching the typed chaos play out, sidelining it- popping in and out between doing real things outdoors with your life, I envy you. For even if I am outdoors, I'm stat-upping from my iphone. And it's not that I think that everyone, or ANYONE cares if I'm eating lunch or stubbing my toe, I don't commonly "up" those things, it's the other things, the sentences that pop into my brain that seem crazy but amuse me and happen to be in like 140 characters or mostly more. It's these that must come out, must be broadcast to the world (or my 142 peeps).

So here are my self-imposed facebook stat-up rules.

(wait, before I go on, let me just check facebook...ok, I'm back)

Rule #1. -Spell-check
I'm sorry and I know it's not right, but I can't help but judge people when they misspell simple things. However, if intentionally done and done correctly (not like see #2) misspelling can be used for funny. But every time I see someone has used "there" for "their" or "they're", I immediately picture him or her with three teeth and over-alls. So before hitting "enter" I do a visual scan so as not to be confused with one of these folks. Keep in mind, I've HAVE made said mistake several times. <-- I want to fix this typoed sentence, but instead I will laugh at myself because that, my friends is instant karma for my judging ways. Foiled!  

Rule #2- No Text-speak or whatever the crap it is.
Even if you are a "kitteh" belonging to hillbillehz and you lived the top of your game two years ago, you're still a friggin' hazbeen. KNOCK IT OFF! Here's your bleedin' cheeseburger! The same goes for replacing "th" with a "d". Only Snoop D oh double G is allowed that. You're not him.

Rule #3 - Do not go flashing about with your TMI. No one wants to read it. I promise. 
You got your period. AWESOME! You had sex with your man last night, KILLER! but I hate to break it to you, you're grossing people out. I try to limit myself on what I'm sharing based on if it's something I really want my dad reading.  That's my rule of thumb. Also, people will come up to me days after I've written something and bring it up in conversation. Weird. Could be weirder. Think about it.

Rule #4 - POP-CULTURE! 
Everyone loves pop-culture. If it's TOO current though, you run the risk of blending into the crowd of everyone else- if it's too obscure or "old" as it's been explained to me, only like one other person will get it. Not good enough! We're looking for "likes" and comments here, people! Since most people are normal, I try to refrain from the Taxi and Rhoda talk and I shoot more for Spice Girls and Family Matters referencing. Try it. Peeps get all recognitious.

Rule #5 - If it makes me laugh after I've typed it. Hit send. 

Rule #6 - Chill on your Awesomeness. 
Limit bragging and self-promotion to at most, once a month, unless, of course, it's outlandish and people will take it as a joke. Otherwise, HOLY CRAP, SHUT UP! You sound like you think you're better than everyone else. We get it. You rock.

Rule #7 - Don't hate on others. 
It pulls you down to the level of teenage drama and unless you're 15, is that really the face you're trying to put out into the world of 142ish people? Unless of course it's easily recognizable as jokes, in which case, roast away, but try to sound more like Sarah Silverman than Courtney Love, ya, know?

Rule #8. Try not to over-kill. 
This is my "in biggest need of improvement" area. Oops. I like all things Beatles. Sorry. I do try to shut up about it but sometimes I get all fangirl. You know how it goes. And then people stop talking to me. But while I'm at it...

Rule #9 - If you must complain about stuff, joke the crap out of it.

For instance, if your day at work sucked add a little "but I'm getting paid for it. Does that make me a hooker?" That'll get you one or two thumbs up, at least. Throw in references to like Office Space or something. Everybody loves the Office Space. And The Office. See, now you're thinking.

Rule #10 - Just be honest. 
People will love you more for who you are than who you are trying to be. The internet is eventually see-through. MST3K or Mystery Science Theatre 3000 for those of you not geeked up enough to get all intial, was once my favorite thing. For a minute anyway, I have a short attention span. And I was watching a making of or something with the writers and one of them said something I will always repeat to myself, but in paraphrased form 'cause, well, I don't remember it exactly, what do you think, I'm crazy? Anyway, they said something like- while putting in jokes for the show, they would start asking themselves, is anyone gonna get this?! Then they'd stop and say to one another, "it doesn't matter. The right people will get it.".

Unless, of course you happen to be babbling on about how cute you think McCartney was circa Magical Mystery Tour / India... Then people will just shut you out. But I mean... come on!

facebook brings the crazy!

I'll make this quick because I'm not here to get all deep and talk smart stuff. I'm here to ogle and swoon. However, I feel like this whole business of the facebooks is busting my skull open and it causes.... angst and almost a hatred, to be quite honest. So rather than go off in a status update as I'm so wont to do, I've chose to blog it, 'cause that's much less passive-aggressive. =D


I never felt this hate and rage with myspace. I've felt lonely, but never passive-aggressive with the 'space. And twitter, no passive-aggressive feelings there either. That's more a glimpse into a person's window, stalker-like, and way encouraged- and if you start to get all annoyed with somebody and her egomaniacal self-adoration, you just stop following her. (Or him. Not that I have someone in mind at ALL ::evil smirk::) No hard feelings when you're no longer "a follower". Not so, my friends, with the facebooks.


The beauty in both myspace and twitter is that you're flying solo. "Nothing you can see that isn't shown". Facebook is some sort of All My Children meets Melrose Place- and peeps bring their game, believe you me. Now in that comes the other problem. Myspace, being so 3 years ago, I sign in over there maybe once every 12 or so days. I sign into twitter once every 12 or so hours. I sign into facebook once every 12 or so minutes. Or seconds.  So I am on constant bombardment of the drahms. It's my own fault, I do know, but I am not immune to the annoyance even so.


People post at will the insanity that runs through their mind, most of it HILARIOUS! and entertaining, some of it TMI. People post pictures of their parties or trips. I love that. People post pictures of their kids and pets. ADORE!!! People will post pictures of their food. That's disgusting. And in the case of one of my friends yesterday, there are people who will post a picture of a chef kissing the severed head of a pig that was once a pet, merely to get under the skins of some vegetarians that annoyed this person at a party. (And you think you're not a snob?) That kind of action is enough to get you "hidden", although, I don't hide people for fear that I might miss out on something awesome and spectacular. And that is, once again, my own fault, because apparently all the awesome and spectacular involve ... well... that. I also realize that the very mention of any of this is hypocritical because I status up about 14 times a day and I'm sure that my immature rantings and swoonings of all and everything Beatle drive people to drink. Or hide me. Or in the case of the sister of a girl that I've known since we were two years old, my BFF  all through elementary and Jr High, this BFF's sister, whom I've also had the pleasure to know for just as long, defriended me just as quick as she friended me with not so much as a "howdoyado?" AWESOME. I'm looking right at you, "Madame S". You know what you've done.

Perhaps I'm mad at "Madam S" because she had the guts to do what I'm here moaning about in this very blog, and it was done to me, let's not forget. And it probably didn't even take guts. She probably just read "BeatleRockBandPaulMcCartney" 50 times, rapid-fire and thought "And we're done here *defriend*". So is it right to shoot mind daggers at her? Yes, because, how dare you defriend me. I am Queen Of All and you should worship my unpolished toes! Or maybe not, but I'm really nice and I'm full of love and goodness, spices and sugars. And you hurt my feelings. :'(


Not to mention, I take EVERYTHING as a personal attack. I don't know why, exactly, but every negative, mean rant I take as a punch in the neck.  And it makes me want to punch you back. And then cry in the corner for a day. And then make up and forget it ever happened.


So what started this today was a stat-up I saw this morning when I woke up and hoped it wasn't directed at me (I'd like to think it was directed at the pig picture, but they're not friends).

Oh gawd! I'm this close to offing myself from facebook, some of you people make me want to puke. --sorry,just being real. 9 hours ago - anon facebook friend. 

OMG have I felt this way everyday, although I bite my fingers so as not to type it, but facebook friend, I'm with you!! There's talk of a friend culling though and I hope I pass the audition. I don't think the self-worth can take another round of dismissal. 

So what I've learned here today, though, facebook has made me love and respect many more people than it's made me hate, I feel contempt for a small portion of you that I never would've before simply because I can't take the complaining and over-confidence, the bragging or the "nobody loves me" crap any longer. But I do. I don't want to miss out on anything or make anyone feel inferior because I've culled and defriended. I just like knowing that I can.  (Oh, and fyi btw, I'm also totally annoyed by people who can't bother to respond back. You're RUDE.) 

I could NEVER have fit that into 140 characters. 

For some more pass-aggress laughs, 

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

Also, check Detta's Blog about the facebooks. 

Thank you and good day.