Pulling Teeth and Oil

I drink a lot of coffee and tea (and red wine) and my teeth have no issue rattling their teeth mouths off on these truths of my vices very loudly and yellowy at your face when you're forced into having an in-person conversation with me. It didn't used to be so bad but then I apparently began channeling my Scottish great-grandma and my tea cravings have become a bit of a problem.

Source: dailyrecord.co.uk

And now my teeth are a problem. It's because of the tea. The tea set my teeth over the edge from an ivory to cabin witch brown. I also apparently have a cavity in one of my wisdom teeth that the dentist won't even touch unless I let him yank it out which nope. I'll go ahead and deal with that on my own by never going to the dentist ever again and then in a couple of years when the pain gets too much, I'll bang it out with an ice skate and a rock like Tom Hanks did in Cast Away. By the way, if anyone is looking for a life coach, shoot me an email. I take PayPal.

Anyway, my sister-in-law just had her wisdom teeth removed a couple of weeks ago and in talking to her, it honestly sounds like my plan of ignoring my dental needs is the right way to do things. As we were talking about her dental bravery and my cowardice, she mentioned some kind of "oil pulling" or whatever it's called that she had seen on Pinterest. Oh Pinterest, you evil temptress. She tried this oil business which is basically swishing coconut oil around in your mouth everyday for some minutes and it's supposed to heal cavities and whiten teeth. "Sign me up!" is of course my immediate reaction. How gross can it be? Also, I only have two kinds of oils in the house of which I'll be using the olive oil because I don't have coconut oil and I'm pretty sure that olive oil won't kill me or make me blind, unlike the really old bottle of make-up remover I found under the bathroom sink.

And hold up just a minute! Can we rewind and talk about Cast Away Tom Hanks again?? Wasn't he only eating coconuts? And wasn't he eating a coconut when his tooth started bugging him??? The tooth he had to beat out of his face with a rock and an ice skate??? So what's the truth? This isn't boding well for the all mighty coconut. Do I believe Oscar Winner Tom Hanks or some hipster science on the Pinterest?

Source: giphy

Well, to be fair I'm always up for a Pinterest duel and more importantly, olive oil never did anyone wrong, did it? I mean, it's delicious on a plate with red wine vinegar and ground pepper to dip my artisan bread in. Would anyone even fault me if that's where I end up in this oil pulling experiment? 'Cause we all know that's where I'll end up. Let's be real.

God, now I'm hungry.

Okay, intermission. I'm going to try this and report back, fully expecting to be typing with the shiniest, whitest teeth you've seen. And hopefully I don't just forget about this whole experiment because I gave up and ate and then spent the rest of the day scrolling tumblr. Wish me luck and white teeth.

source: flickr

Alright, everyone. Return to your seats. The results are in.

I started off with good old store brand extra-virgin olive oil. Shot glassed it up and swished. Now, I can't remember all of what the sis-in-law told me as far as the details are concerned, but I figure she swished everyday for about 2 minutes. I swished for as long as it took me to get my phone and erase a bunch of incriminating evidence to make enough megabyte room for this instagram worthy picture of my olive oil.

source: me

My teeth are pretty much the same color and I'm very disappointed about it. My mouth did feel like it had indulged in a big Italian meal that needed more garlic, though and I don't feel like I have bad
coffee-infused morning breath anymore and my lips feel nice and lubricated. I also brushed with baking soda right after and my mouth feels very clean and delightful, especially my tongue. Maybe I'll keep this up for a bit, or as long as I can remember to do it.

Don't worry, my friends, I am not anywhere close to giving up my deodorant or shampoo yet, though.

So because I for the life of me, don't understand how this works, I went and looked it up. This blog was first on my google search and it seems legit. However, it also says that I'm 18 minutes short in my swishing. How is a person expected to swish for 20 minutes?!????

Source: giphy

Should this experiment further itself, expect an update. In the meantime, I think I'm due for a loaf of garlic bread. And red wine. 

John Lennon ghost wants me to keep the internet and you don't argue with John Lennon ghost.

Pop Quiz!

What do you get when the most disorganized person in the world tries to take on PTA fundraising responsibilities, run an etsy shop, agrees to attempt to write a comic strip, agrees to attempt to write a book, and tries to write jokes in her kid's lunch box everyday because she saw it on Pinterest?

Me. You get me, the disorganized fool spending the rest of the day slagging off all of everything, watching the kids play outside for hours and sipping on wine.

And now as I type this, feet kicked up in defiance of THE MAN, very much Ferris Bueller to be honest, I'm listening to my kids kill each other in the other room and I'm going to have to go investigate this, aren't I? 

Oh, nevermind, here they come yelling at me.  Apparently there's been an attempted murder by "slapping and a cardboard brick to the eye and even the nose!"

This is why I feel like I'm opting out today. Because I feel like I'm on the verge of drowning and so, going gently into that goodnight, I just stop swimming. 

(I have dreams like this, by the way. Where I'm holding on the outside edge of a hot air balloon, certain death below me and I start questioning if it is just easier to let go.) 

I should disclaim here that I am not suicidal. That's also the second time I've felt the need to write that down in my life so that people know that- yo, murdered.  The other time was when I was 12 and I wrote in my sparkly journal, I wrote "if I ever die, I was murdered because I would never kill myself. I am not suicidal" and then I wrote something about how cute Johnny Depp is. So, similar if not exact to how I feel today. 

Also, when I was 5 I made a deal with the devil or whoever that I was never going to die so, suck it, haters. And murderer.

 

Anyway, back to my story of when I was outside ignoring everyone digital and just watching the boys play, I realized how very little I take time to do this anymore. I'm always answering emails and facebooks and tweets and looking at Pinterest and not just watching the boys play in the dirt which used to be mud but, drought. 

This makes me think that we need to break up, internet.

I feel the worst for my husband in all of this because, first off, the kids don't care. They really don't, Every Other Mommy Blog I've Read this Week. Here's the thing; they know that I love them, that I put the phone or computer down whenever they have question or speak in my direction, I have two sets of ears, the mom ears directed at only them 90% of the day, and the boys are pretty much ignoring me anyway and somehow, despite ALL my screw-ups, they are the most polite, loving, well-adjusted kids I could hope for. So whatever. Raise your kids how you do. 

But back to the husband, "Ward" as we call him. I think he has to hate me by now. Because when I put myself into his shoes, I'm the worst as wife. He does all the dishes, grocery shopping, money making (mostly unless you want to buy my stuff from my etsy shop??????) and in general, I probably look like Peggy Bundy. He would never say that to me but, this is how it looks from outside my skin. 

So, I've made up my mind. I'm going to kill a few birds with the Amy vs America's Housekeeping stone that I have been not throwing for many months. It begins tomorrow. I don't care how busy I get, I'm back on the ball. I will schedule time to do it. And sewing. 

I just don't know how this applies to my interneting. I think I have to take a bre- OH MY GOD IMAGINE JUST CAME ON THE TV JOHN LENNON DOES NOT APPROVE OF OUR BREAKUP, INTERNET. 

Alright, it's settled. 

My Mid Century Modern Obsession.

Now this shouldn't come as a big shock to anyone that knows me, but I'm kind of in love with everything Mid-Century Modern. Everything. This and that pesky time-travelling unavailability nonsense are the main reasons I probably can't live in the 40s- my favorite of all the decades. And The Beatles. I need Beatles.

 I also love Mad Men, obviously. Of course I do. So when Don and Megan moved into that apartment, oh my goodness.

 

In.

Love.

The mirrored entryway with the planter

and that hanging lamp thing

are pretty much the best parts for me. And I kind of want to replicate them immediately.

Good thing there's pinterest....

Although I want this couch from The Dick Van Dyke Show

And the house from Bewitched.

I don't really think I'm asking too much here...

 

Although Tim the Tool Man Taylor blew the whole thing up, so maybe I need that time machine.

 

Or the I Dream of Jeannie house.

 

 

 

The fact that I'm probably not going to get these houses does little to stop my want.

 

And you know I'm going to try to make that lamp. And that mirrored planter entryway thing that the Draper's had? I could do that easy.

 

And I need a new couch.

 

And this for my tv.

 

Or maybe this.

 

 

 

I need this too.

 

 







If GI Joe is the Real American Hero and GI Joe "is there" then wherethe heck is he to help me out with this [expletive] party???

'Cause seriously.

So my almost 6 year old has been as Star Wars as a 5 year old can get for almost a year now. 

Star Wars books, Star Wars toys, Star Wars room, Star Wars curtains. Only drinking out of green straws "because only jedis are allowed to use green straws". He won't cut his hair because he wants "Luke Skywalker hair" 

which has now become Crystal Gayle hair

 

So when he told me he wanted a Star Wars birthday party six months ago, done deal, man. That nonsense was already stacked in my amazon.com cart. 

Then a month ago happened. "Mom. Forget the Star Wars party. It must be a GI Joe party"

Fine. 

Except, I don't know crap about GI Joe. And not the Vin Diesel GI Joe but the cartoon from the 80s

I know we have the same birthday, but sorry dude. 

I don't know crap about this cop drama. When I was watching JEM, the boys of the land were watching this nonsense. And now I'm expected to incorporate these cartoon porn 'stashes in a 6 year old's birthday party with grace and Pinterest like skilllllzzzzzz. 

All I've found on the Pinterest are Army Parties. Okay, I can do this. Here's what I've got so far. I appreciate any and all ideas. And awards and accolades. 

For the invites, I got the idea from a wedding invite to do a Western Union telegram and the "I think I'm as good as Pinterest" lightbulb went off above me and I thought "Dog tags! Personalized dog tags and I'll add them to the invites!" Hahaha.

 So I ordered blank dog tags and metal stampers and steel plates to do the stamping because how hard could stamping names on dog tags be?! I'm sure not very. I have very unrealistic goals. 

So once all my materials arrived, I got to hammering and instagramming like any good mom would do.

Then the beer came out.

 

Tada!!! I'm so proud of how they turned out!!! 

Invites are done and before I even handed them out to the entire kindergarten, an invite came from another boy in the class for the same friggin' day. And that party has a video game truck so I have to step up my god dang game.

Party planning, like next level party planning. So, a piñata? It being an old school GI Joe theme, Party City is of little help but Pinterest makes me feel like making a piñata is totes easy. That will be its own blog entry, because swearing. So I'm planning on making a piñata with this Cobra Kai Commando symbol 

That's as cool as a video game truck, don't fool yourselves. 

Craps.

Also since Video Game Truck upstager party is later in the afternoon than mine and also serving pizza, I have to put a lot more thought into food than I was planning. 

Stay tuned. This could turn out like a GI No party. 

If you have ideas, I would love to be clued in. 

Maybe this dj clown guy is available? 

 

UPDATE: The mom of the other party is so super sweet and cool about the whole thing, I can't even be mad about any of it.

GI Joe Pinata Part 1